


all that was

by winterkillz



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Divorce, Don't Read This, Everyone Needs A Hug, I love them but they need to suffer, I tell you that now, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Minor Violence, Please Don't Kill Me, RJ Boyle Needs a Hug, That's the first one, This hurt, Tony Angst, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, no happy ending, yaH yEET
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-14
Updated: 2019-09-14
Packaged: 2020-10-18 05:29:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20633870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterkillz/pseuds/winterkillz
Summary: I love you, ain't that the worst thing you ever heard?





	all that was

**Author's Note:**

> i'm bad at summaries (and tagging, i'm sorry)....... 
> 
> anyways it's based on this helluva [tweet](https://twitter.com/stonymultiverse/status/1170119190025519105?s=20) by rove, the main storyline based on my [social media au](https://twitter.com/616buck/status/1158990419398545408?s=20).
> 
> my apologies if it seems rushed! (it is.)

Everything was going well.

RJ was doing good in school, Bucky was able to balance the program he had set up way back while being a father, as well as being a husband to Tony Stark.

Bucky never wanted to set his mindset into pure positivity even though his life is heading towards an unusual progressive path. He’d always convince himself that it’s not permanent, that Bucky Barnes isn’t meant for happiness very long – and it frustrates his husband and friends sometimes.

“Come on, Buck,” Steve would sigh before sipping on his coffee. They’re in Steve and Sharon’s apartment in Brooklyn. “You’ve got a son, a husband, err, an adorable cat…”

“I know.” Bucky would answer, and Sharon would hand him a mug for his own dose of caffeine. “It’s just… it’s too quiet. I’m not used to quiet, Steve.”

“Is it? Didn’t you just start another bar fight a week ago?”

Bucky chuckles as he shakes his head. He did. “They weren’t giving me the information I needed.”

“Still.” Steve returns a smile, the one he had always reserved for his stubborn partner. Times like this reminds me of how much Bucky talked about having a family back in the war, how he said he’d marry a fine dame and have a family, size didn’t matter as long as they’re happy. At 19, Bucky already laid out his life plans without assurance that he’d ever live long enough to fulfill them considering their situation.

At 102, Bucky isn’t quite sure anymore, though he has it in front of him.

“Are you really bothered about your so-called “quiet” or about the possibility that it’ll be taken away from you?” Sharon finally speaks, sitting down in between the two men. She always knows what to say.

Steve raises his brows, as if a gesture of “point taken”, and looks over to Bucky.

Bucky doesn’t meet either of the two’s gazes, merely eyeing the sugar cubes on the table. He never really thought about it but now that Sharon has mentioned it, the idea sinks in. Maybe.

“I don’t wanna lose them,” Bucky mutters while his lips quivered, biting the bottom down. He pauses. “I don’t know what the hell I did to deserve them, but I do want to keep them safe. Tony… RJ.”

Steve inhales sharply before turning to Sharon, the look then reciprocated by her.

* * *

“Who was it?” Bucky rushes beside Tony, barely matching the taller man’s big strides as he walks across the lab, flicking away a holographic screen in front of him. “Tony.”

Tony doesn’t budge – it’s not that he _wants_ to ignore Bucky, but rather he doesn’t want him involved. Not him. Not in this case. He kept walking until he reaches his worktable, a more elaborate file on a bigger holographic screen. Giving Bucky access to the lab was a good thing until it’s not. Tony doesn’t even know how Bucky found out about this potential threat.

“Basil Sandhurst.” Having no choice, Tony reveals. “I’ve fought him before. He’s back. For me.”

“Who?” Bucky asks again, eyes fixated on the profile in front, absorbing the information anyway. _Controller_, it says. “And why?”

“I don’t know. He calls himself Controller.” Tony exhales deeply while crossing his arms. “I think you get the gist of what he does based on his name.”

Bucky turns to Tony, a familiar fear bubbling in his chest but he stays silent. There’s a known gaze shared between the couple, Bucky’s jaw clenching at the things he’s thinking about right now.

Both him and Tony have the history of being out of their minds, being controlled, being brainwashed in a way. This should be something easier to deal with right now but they both know it isn’t going to be. Not when Controller knows there’s an easier target to get to Tony.

“You gotta keep an eye on RJ.” Tony finally breaks the silence.

“I’m helping you _here_. If we work together rather than me staying in Indiana—”

“Are you hearing yourself, Bucky?” Tony snickers, his arms dropping to his side. “You _know_ the risks. Not only to RJ but to _you. _I’m not gonna have that.”

With furrowed brows, Bucky turns away from the table. “I’m not gonna sit there knowing it’s just gonna be you facing him, Tony. Look at you. Tell me, when was his last attack?”

Tony closes his eyes, frustrated, as he places a hand on his right temple. He has a few band-aids on his face, some on his arms. Controller attacked today in one of the company branches, using some of Tony’s staff to get into the building. A dozen was probably injured. There could’ve been more if Tony didn’t arrive on time and frankly, he forgot that Controller had superhuman strength besides his mind control jazz. It wasn’t a fun fight. Admittedly, the guy had gotten stronger over the years.

“All I’m saying is that you have to let me go with you.” Bucky says, softly now, a hand placed on his husband’s arm. He made sure not to touch his injuries from earlier. “Let me help. If not, then what the hell was “in sickness and in health” for in our wedding vows then?” He puts up a light-hearted grin, and Tony does too. No matter how heavy the atmosphere is, Bucky manages to make it better with his smile.

Before Tony could even lean in for a kiss, Bucky’s phone vibrates in his pocket while Tony’s screen gets interrupted by RJ’s contact photo. Tony swipes to answer and they were both greeted by a shaky video, with RJ running. Both Tony and Bucky’s hearts were ready to push out of their ribcage.

“Dads?” RJ calls as he looks back a couple times. His voice is low, like attempting to make as little noise as he can. “Dads.”

“What’s going on?” Bucky queries, lurching forward to the screen.

“RJ, what’s happening?” Tony chimes in.

“I don’t know,” RJ answered, voice evidently quivering. With the little lighting at the boy’s location, his sweaty face is still apparent. “I was buying something from the store. I went home and this big guy in an armor started following me. I ran. I don’t know where exactly I am.” He explains, the camera now steady. It seems like RJ is leaning on a wall. “I think I lost him. I think I—”

A scream. RJ drops his phone and it went black. All is left is the audio, and RJ can be heard telling someone to leave him alone.

“RJ!”, both Bucky and Tony shouted at the same time, Tony bolting away to get his suit.

Bucky listened to his son’s yelling until the call gets static and drops.

They have to get to Indiana quick because whoever this Controller man is, Bucky realized he’s not _just_ a potential threat.

* * *

“Can you detect RJ’s location?” Bucky shouts through the gust of wind hitting him. Tony’s carrying him while they fly to Indiana, and Tony said it’d take them more time since Bucky’s with him and has no proper gear (Tony’s max Mach 3 speed isn’t something to disregard).

“I can, but very limited. The signal is botched. Controller probably did something about it.” Tony says, eyes darting from one screen to another inside his helmet, looking for a way to have a clear data about his son’s whereabouts.

Bucky’s grip on Tony tightens, not that Tony could feel it. His metal fist rolled firm; Bucky is mentally punching Controller in the face repeatedly right now. A _coward_, he calls Controller, for going for a child instead of Tony, instead of them. He hasn’t fought him ever but he doesn’t care if he gets beaten half-dead first before he gets to save his son but he _will_, he promises himself. 

“I shouldn’t have left.” Bucky’s voice is gruff, raw, “I shouldn’t have left him alone there, Tony. What was I thinking?”

“Bucky—”

“I got too laid back. I should’ve looked after him more, you were right. And now he’s in friggin’ danger—”

“It’s not your fault. Controller’s an asshole. This is on him. We both didn’t see this coming.” Tony reassures him. 15 minutes ‘til they arrive to Indiana.

Bucky shakes his head. He’s worried and angry and confused, everything at the same time. He just wants RJ back.

Tony feels the same. He may act like he’s got it in control, but he’s panicking that he can’t get RJ’s exact location and that he has no idea about what Controller’s plans are.

When they got there, they went to Bucky’s house first, with Bucky storming in frantically.

“Alpine!? Alpine, buddy—” Bucky calls, and when he hears Alpine’s high-pitched meow just like every greeting he’d do when Bucky comes home, Bucky exhales the breath he didn’t know he was keeping. He picks his cat up and cradles him, wishing he could do this to RJ too.

“Oh god, I thought they’d get you too. I thought they’d…” His voice trails off as he notices a piece of paper chucked into Alpine’s collar. Tony notices the silence.

“What is it?” Tony steps closer, his armor clanking against the wooden floor as he flips his mask up. His eyes beeline to the cat’s collar, seeing what Bucky is seeing.

Bucky pulls it out and opens it with one hand ‘til Alpine squirms off his grasp. His occupied hand trembles as he reads, unknown whether if it’s out of fear or rage. He gives it to Tony without words, pinching the bridge of his nose frustratedly with the deepest sigh he could propel.

Tony reads. It’s sort of cryptic in a way, with it being an address written in red ink. Or is it ink? Tony puts his mask on again to scan. His suspicion was right. It matches RJ’s blood type too. Controller, that son of a bitch.

“What does he want…” Tony’s voice was barely above a whisper before he grunts and crumples the paper, throwing it across the room.

“I’ll go alone,” Bucky says, pacing towards a bookshelf nearby. He presses a hidden button from the side, gears turning audible as the shelf slides to the left, revealing guns and weapons plastered on the wall behind. His expression is unreadable, and it’s been a while since Tony has seen that on his husband’s face. Bucky takes the biggest gun, the one Tony had made for him months back. He rummages for discreet bombs, stocking up his utility belt, as well as ammo for the pistols strapped on his thighs.

“This is _my_ fight, James,” Tony speaks with gritted teeth, exasperation growing in his system.

“And RJ is _my_ son.” Bucky pivots and faces Tony while reloading his gun.

Tony pauses, only a hint of surprise in his countenance upon hearing Bucky’s words.

“He’s mine too.” He says, a bit softer, and from the looks of it Bucky may have realized what he just said when the furrow in his brows dissolved. “But I’m the one Controller wants. I feel guilty enough to have RJ out there because of me, and I won’t know what to do if he gets you too.”

Tony walks up to Bucky and Bucky closes his eyes, dropping his armed hand. Tony shows his face before cradling Bucky’s cheek gently, tilting his head up.

“Look at me, honey,” Tony murmurs so Bucky does, tears welling up in the brunet’s eyes already. “It’s going to be alright, promise. I’ll be alright. I’ll get our son. Now _you _promise me you’ll stay here and wait for me.”

Bucky shakes his head against Tony’s hand, and Tony heaves a sigh.

“Tony, I can’t. You and RJ—”

“Promise me.” Tony says a little louder, a little desperate.

“…Promise.”

* * *

The thing about promises is, both Tony and Bucky are bad at keeping them.

_Nothing_ is going well.

It turns out Controller had taken a bunch of the townspeople, some even close to Bucky, and had them on mind control. Now they’re fighting Tony while RJ is kept in a separate room, and Tony’s been trying to _subtly _fend them off to get to his son because for one, Bucky wouldn’t want them hurt. But they’re persistent, throwing themselves on Tony with their high-end weapons, some shooting him from all directions. It was bad. It was _really_ bad.

Tony didn’t think it’d get worse though. Not until the windows of the old warehouse he’s in bursts open and there comes his goddamn husband.

“Bucky!” Tony shouts, pushing an old woman who’s been shooting at him for a while. These people also gained strength somehow. “What are you—I told you to stay at home!”

“I can’t!” Bucky yells back, seemingly unbothered that these “zombies” have the face of his people, shoving them left and right as they attack him. “Jesus, what have Controller done to them?”

Just then, a kid jumps at Bucky, probably around 12. He snarls and starts hitting Bucky on the head with a pipe. Bucky doesn’t want to hit back, attempting to push the child away without hurting him much, though Bucky himself is hurting right now. He urges the kid’s face away and notices the small disk planted on his neck that glows red. Maybe this is the device used for the mind control.

“Sorry pal, this might hurt a little.” Bucky picks off the disk off the boy’s neck, a little electricity crackling as he outwardly shuts down. He gains back conscious fast though, and he appears to be in a daze.

“Mr. Barnes? Oh, Mr. Barnes, I…”

“Are you okay?” Bucky asks, elbowing a woman coming from behind.

“I thought I was gonna hurt you sir. I-I think I was hurting you. Are _you_ okay?”

“You were aware?”

The boy nods. “I was conscious the entire time… It just felt like my actions were controlled by someone else… I’m sorry, Mr. Barnes.”

Bucky aims his gun at the three people bolting towards him and Ian -- he now remembers the boy’s name -- but shoots just by their feet so they don’t get hit directly. “Get outta here, kid. Here,” He gives a communication device to Ian, “Iron Man and I will handle this. If we’re not done in 20 minutes, Captain America or Agent 13’s number should be there. Call them for me. Got it?”

“Y-Yes sir.” Ian grips the device, trembling.

“Now go.”

As the kid runs, Bucky turns to Tony to tell him about his discovery. However, before he could call him to say the good news, a voice interrupt.

_“Dad!”_

Bucky’s head has never snapped quicker, and so does Tony.

“RJ!” Both fathers responded, aiming their weapons at Controller who is beside their son... also having a gun pointed at the boy.

“Let him go!” Bucky cries out loud, his tone almost of pleading. “He doesn’t have to be involved, Controller!”

“I’m here, what more do you want!?” Tony says, grunting as he pushed away the people, flying towards RJ and Controller. He stops when the gun is pressed further to RJ’s head. Controller knows his weakness.

“What do I want?” Controller bellows out a laugh, sending shivers to RJ’s spine. He folds, eyes trained on Bucky who looks as anxious as he is. He just wanted to go home.

“Just like what I’ve always wanted, Stark. For you to _suffer_.” The villain says lowly, his finger gradually pulling the trigger.

Bucky yells out a “No!” before sprinting towards RJ.

There’s a change of plan though.

Controller throws RJ to Bucky for some reason. He catches his son, embracing him tight and protectively as RJ begins to sob quietly.

“You’re safe now,” Bucky whispers, softly petting the boy’s head. “I got you. Dad’s got you.”

“Don’t celebrate yet, the show’s just starting. Barnes, is it? Or Stark-Barnes?” Controller grins, and Bucky’s have had enough of it. Then, the villain nods his head towards Tony. “Now I watch.”

RJ and Bucky turn their attention to Tony. His neck sparked like Ian’s earlier, then Bucky knew.

Tony lifts his right hand and aims his repulsor at his family.

Meanwhile, Tony’s fighting his hardest to take control of himself again. Damn it all to hell, and to the man who sneaked up on him and planted the disk. He knew at some point this might happen tonight, but he thought Controller would do it to Bucky or RJ instead. He was supposed to _foresee_ this. He was supposed to prevent it.

But instead, it rather escalated to worse, and now his fear has elevated and transformed into something else. Him restraining is working a bit though, he thinks, because he still hasn’t fired his repulsor at the two, even if his head is throbbing with _kill, kill, kill._

“Hey,” Bucky starts softly. “You know us. You know what you’re doing. Ian told me earlier about it. You’re in there Tony. C’mon.” He positions RJ behind him, a defensive arm in front of the kid while another is held up towards Tony. “Tony. Sweetheart. Fight it.”

If Bucky could only take that disk off Tony’s neck, this’ll be over. And so, he slowly steps forward and to his husband, looking back to check on RJ a couple times. As long as Tony locks him as target and not RJ, if this goes downhill, he’d be fine.

“You’re in there. You can get outta there. I know you can.” Bucky continues although unknown if his words are any help. This one’s a different kind of mind control given that it has a device attached on the person. It seems more like body control somehow, if it makes sense. Tony’s hand falters a little and while it’s still aimed at Bucky, it gave him hope. When he’s close enough, Bucky starts lifting his hand higher and to Tony’s neck.

Then again, Tony couldn’t fight much longer. It hurts. It hurts right now and it’ll also hurt if he lets go but what can he do? He mentally yells _Bucky, watch out _as he unwillingly powers up his repulsor again, his target switching from Bucky to RJ. Tony curses. Tony screams and yells out profanity, but they’re not heard as his body continued to act involuntarily, firing at his own son.

Luckily, Bucky was fast.

Too fast, Tony thought. It was both good and bad. RJ had enough time to move, which was good. The bad part was that the shot hits Bucky instead, the impact thankfully lessened by the Stark arm he was wearing.

They fought. Bucky kept begging Tony to snap out of it. He’d been trying to get a good grip on Tony’s neck to take the device. Little did the two know that Controller had escaped – there was no point to stay. Controller would already know Tony was suffering enough by having him be a passenger to his own body, merely watching his own hands hurt the ones he loves the most. They fought and fought ‘til he overpowered and worn Bucky down, bracing him beneath, aiming his weapon at him again for the final blow. Tony’s eyes were empty as they looked down on Bucky, beaten down half-dead as Bucky suspected he’d be in this mission, though he didn’t think it’d be by the hands of Tony himself.

Tony remembers Bucky’s last words as clear as day.

_“I’m sorry, Tony.”_

Bucky had closed his eyes as the repulsor glowed bright, power maxed out.

At the same time, Tony hadn’t seen RJ coming from behind, chipping off the small disk from his neck.

Tony had fired the same time he was freed from mind control.

He remembers all this – how can he forget? Now Bucky lays still on this hospital bed in front of him, the beeps from his cardiac monitor becoming close to annoying him because Bucky doesn’t deserve to be in this condition. All of this happened and it wasn’t because of Controller. It was because of _him_.

Staring blankly at Bucky’s motionless hand, Tony almost jumps at the hand on his shoulder.

“Steve,” Tony rasps out once he figured who it was.

“You didn’t even notice us come in.” Steve responds, giving way to Sharon as she arranges some flowers into the vase besides Bucky. “Have you slept?”

“How can I sleep? Tell me.” Tony replies, snickering as he stood up, knocking over a few alcohol bottles on the floor.

Sharon looks at them, sighing heavily at the sight. “How did you even sneak those in…”

Tony doesn’t speak further. He staggers towards the door, barely holding himself up.

“Where are you going? Tony.” Steve lifts a foot to go after his friend but Sharon stops him.

Tony does stop by the door. He props himself on the wall, and through the blurry vision and spinning surroundings, he looks to the window. RJ stood there, three feet away with more flowers in his quivering hands. Looking at his father, RJ steps back with a hint of terror in his face. Right, RJ has never seen Tony in this state ever since he adopted him together with Bucky. It was because he was clean. He was finally sober – and _then_ this happened. How else can he cope? You can’t teach an old dog new tricks. Not in this situation.

Tony watches RJ turn away instead of going in, and seeing RJ leave broke Tony _hard, _like it triggered a switch in him. Sobs begin to wrack his body, with Steve and Sharon both rushing to catch him as he slides down to the ground.

* * *

“Has Tony visited yet?” Bucky still speaks weakly a month after waking up from his coma, nine months after the incident.

Sam swallows the lump in his throat as Steve looks up from his phone at the bench.

“No…” Sam reluctantly answers as he poured water on a glass, later to be given to Bucky. “Sorry, Buck.”

Bucky sighs and nods, accepting the response either way. He shuffles in his bed to sit up properly, and Sam lurches to help him so he doesn’t spill the water on himself.

The injuries he took from Tony were unbelievable. The doctors said he’s lucky to be alive because after that kind of fight, he’s not supposed to be. Too much were broken especially after the last blast. It was really handy that he had given the comm device to Ian, because he did call Steve in time.

He’s healing pretty fast now, they say, and Nick Fury told him the Infinity Formula from the past must’ve been helping. Although he’s physically recovering well, Bucky knows something in him will remain broken.

“RJ?” Bucky attempts again after taking a sip.

Steve talks this time. “He still refuses to… go here. Sharon and I are taking care of him though, don’t worry. He’s doing much better in school now. I think you waking up helped.”

With that, Bucky flashes a short, subtle smile mixed with bitterness. He settles the glass down to the table and reaches for his metal hand, fiddling with the ring he and Tony exchanged almost two years ago. He wonders if Tony still wears it. He wonders if the next time Tony comes visit, he’d be holding divorce papers in his hands.

He can never keep people in his life, can’t he?

Just then, the door swings open with a creak. The trio’s eyes shot to the figure, and Bucky’s just immediately start to tear up.

“Tony.” Steve utters, standing up.

“I’d appreciate if you guys leave me and Bucky alone for a minute.” Tony demands, stepping aside to make way for the door. Sam pats Bucky’s face and trudges out of the room without further ado while Steve stays behind for a moment.

Steve walks towards Tony with such seriousness, patting him on the shoulder with a squeeze. “He’s been waiting for you.” He whispers to his colleague before exiting, closing the door behind him.

Tony doesn’t speak at first but when he did he went straight to the point. He whips out a folder as he walks to the bed, sitting down on the chair he refused to think he’d ever sit on again after that night.

“I think it’s time for a divorce.” Tony says it so casually it sent goosebumps to Bucky, besides the fact that he was just thinking about this possibility.

“It wasn’t your fault.” was the only phrase Bucky could muster when he heard his husband.

Tony takes a second to think of what to say. He has spent all this time thinking – _knowing_ – that it was his damn fault. Hearing this from Bucky himself is more heartbreaking than he had anticipated because it _isn’t_ the truth.

“…Can you write?” Tony tries to go on.

“It wasn’t your fault, Tony. I…”

“Stop.” Tony inhales sharply. He places the folder on Bucky’s lap. “Stop it. You know it was.”

“No. I ran after you when you told me to stay back. Controller must’ve had an idea I’d do that, and I _know _he did but I was persistent. If I had stayed back, we could’ve thrown his plan off and—”

“You did it because you _had_ to.” Tony retaliates. “Now if– if we cut ties…”

“This isn’t the solution.” Bucky pleads. “How about RJ? We promised the kid we’d give him the best life. That he’d never go through having a broken family again. What about our son, Tony?”

“He stopped considering me as his father a long time ago Bucky, and you weren’t awake to see it.” Tony doesn’t shift in his seat but tension courses through him. He almost looks too stiff. “He stopped talking to me altogether. Stopped seeing me. I tried, Bucky. But it’s over for him and me. I think… same goes for us too.”

Bucky was out of words. His throat is dry and his hands are shaking. He hasn’t let go of his ring. This leads to him eyeing Tony’s, noticing that he still has his on. With the strength he could gather, Bucky lifts a hand and carefully reaches for Tony’s, caressing it like he used to. Tony shuts his eyes, a tear falling at Bucky’s touch, a feeling he had forgotten over the months.

“I love you.” Bucky utters with such frailty and authenticity it’s devastating to hear in Tony’s part. “You’re my silver lining.”

That was one of the things Bucky had said in his vow before, Tony remembers. God, they were so happy. His hand clenches beneath Bucky’s before it softens, him flipping it over to hold the other’s. He strokes it with his thumb ever so gently and with such care that Bucky could forget the situation they’re dealing with.

Tony isn’t ready to tell Bucky the reason why he and RJ had a fall out. What RJ had witnessed. He’s not planning to tell him. All he knows is that it’s not good for the both of them to stay together anymore, and whether Bucky likes it or not it’s for the best. Tony stays quiet, savoring this moment, even though he has convinced himself he isn’t worthy of any ounce of this nor the very love of Bucky Barnes.

So Tony lets go. He lifts himself up, ignoring how Bucky’s hand followed him, as if refusing to drop whatever they have left now – if there was any. Tony, however, is willing to.

“Let me know once you’ve signed it.” With his back turned on Bucky, Tony takes a gulp and a moment to compose himself, trying his hardest to supress the sob he’s holding by putting a fist to his mouth.

He doesn’t wait for an answer. With that, Tony strides out of the room, and Bucky’s damn frustrated that he can’t even make an effort to follow him. Once Tony’s out of his sight, Bucky breaks into tears, careless of the stains falling onto the folder on his lap.


End file.
